Simplicity Done With Grace

Embrace me with your youth and your love.

It's getting pretty hot here in Southern California, so we've been spending a lot of time either outside playing in the kiddie pool/garden hose or inside where my thermostat is always (and I mean ALWAYS) at 74 degrees F.

I haven't been feeling "normal" lately. I've been dragging my feet with a big smile on my face, trying to keep up with my boys who do everything with energy.  I feel incredibly tired, which is weird for me since I'm constantly on the go with about a million things to do.  Totally sucks, when my mind just wants to go, go, go but my body is saying, "yeah right!"

Mother's day was a lot of fun though. The boys woke me up about 3 times, but like I said, I was incredibly tired. I kept telling them to come back in ten minutes, another ten minutes, JUST TEN MORE MINUTES!!! I finally got up and they all rushed in with home made cards that said, "My love for you grows, and grows, and grows..." With a giraffe with a rather LONG neck. I got up out of bed shortly and we did last minute packing for our family Mother's Day gathering @ Zuma Beach.

We had so much during our stay at the beach. If you know me at all - you would know that I hate the sun, I hate anything that could possibly make me perspire. And so, my wonderful husband packed up the Easy Up and provided us with shade. 

This was the first time Matthew was able to discover the Pacific Ocean waves.  He would run up to the shore line and the moment the waves crashed, he run away from it squeaking like a seagull.  I wish I had a video of this.  The only time he would touch the water was when Jerry was holding him in his arms. I personally don't like salt water, so I steered clear and just clung onto my camera, which is pretty much the reason why there are absolutely NO PICTURES of me at all.
There was an overcast that day and I warned Jerry to put sunscreen on since our Legoland incident. But in true Jerry Form, he proclaimed "there's an overcast, I'll be fine!" Which he wasn't and he still sits in our living room, candy cane striped in sun burn, and peeling like a banana on his nose.
Brandon and Daniel had the most fun I think.  Always in my sight I watched them run towards the shoreline and run from the crashing waves. I sat nearby, on a sand wall just in awe of these amazing children that I have. Granted, we have those moments, where the boys are literally on top of each other, one dominating the match and the other screaming MERCY! But when it comes to fun, they are always by each other, always enjoying the simplicity of just being kids. And I love that the most as an observing mother.
We stayed for about 4-5 hours, and by the end of the day we were just about ready to call it quits.  I always hate breaking down our area at the end of the day. We have to walk all of our trash (because I don't believe in pollution) and walk it to what seems like THE ONLY trash can at the beach, which always seems to be in the middle of the entire beach. Then we have to get all the boys to go potty, change diapers, bathe them, change them for the ride home - wishing and hoping that they'll catch a nap during the hour drive home. Then we have to gather all the blankets, clothes, towels, easy ups, tables, chairs, and bags and drag them for another mile walk through sand to our car. And then there is always that first 15 minutes of the drive home, where everyone is overly tired and cranky which makes for an awful ride and makes me contemplate why we ever go out to the beach anyway???

But...

At the end of the day, after we all got home and the children took their naps. I had a moment to sit back, relax, and just ponder over my many, many blessings.

I'm a mother of 3 beautiful boys that embrace me and remind me of my inner you and whom give me a love so contagious, I cannot resist but spread it.

Being a mom is the toughest, most demanding, most difficult job I have ever been employed it. There is little to no pay, but the benefits? The benefits are the real reason why I stay.

Happy Mama's Day!!!

8 years ago, when I was told I was pregnant unexpectedly, I had an option. I could either terminate the pregnancy and live my life as if it were never changed or I could grow a beautiful baby inside of me and let go of all of my goals in exchange to bring life into this wonderful world.

Without hesitation, I looked at my baby's father and said, "You don't have to be here, but I'm keeping the baby. Leave now if you won't be here later."

He didn't stick around for along and for the first year of my first son's life, I fell into a deep depression. Being so young, I didn't understand the full magnitude of being a mother. I didn't have the means to provide for my baby, at times I would beg my family and friends to loan me money to buy formula and diapers. I felt lost and confused, contemplated giving him up for adoption, to a family that could provide more and better for him. To provide a life that I had no means of giving him.

A year passed since i gave birth to my beautiful son, and I did nothing but sulk, until I met my husband of today. He gave me a better understanding and raised me up on a pedastool for giving life to a baby that was unexpectedly welcomed into this world. He told me it was the best thing I could have ever done.

A year after we got engaged, I found out I was pregnant again. Again, I was mortified, it wasn't my plan. I gave birth to my second son short of 3 months before my wedding. But there was no question of whether or not I would have him or if my husband will be there at the end.

A year after we bought our first home, we decided to have another baby. A planned one. We tried for 6 months. But the day we found we were, I was elated. Again, there was no doubt that we would welcome our third son into our lives with open arms.

Almost two years after our third son was welcomed into our family, I look at each of my boys with different memories. Each with different stories. I look at them and remember just how blessed I am that God chose me to be their mother. That He gave me the opportunity to give life to them and to love them unconditionally. I am blessed beyond belief, I am surrounded by the wealth of innocence, purity, unconditional love, inspiration, and motivation. I am surrounded with life!

Brandon, Daniel, and Matthew,
    I celebrate YOU ALL today. I celebrate YOUR existence in my life. I learn everyday from each and everyone of you. You remind me that being as imperfect as I am in societies standards, I am perfect in your world. I celebrate being with each and everyone of you every minute of the day. I celebrate giving you the life that I always dreamt to have given you. I celebrate that you are my true reason of living, true reason why I was put in this world. I was put here to love you, nurture you, and share with you all the great memories that I have.
    I thank you for reminding me every moment of the day, just how precious of a gift you all are. That it takes a special person to love the way that I do and that it's okay to cry tears of enjoyment and happiness when you first walk, talk, hug, kiss, and smile. I thank you for trusting me in your lives, for giving me the honor of holding your hand or holding you tight when you are afraid or uncertain. I thank you for never pulling away when all I need is a hug to make my day perfect. I thank you for eating the meals that I make and scream in enjoyment that you actually love it, when really you don't. I thank you for the quirky things you do that bring a giggle out of me during my most hectic moments. I thank you for running to me at the end of the day and telling me you love me or miss me or just because.
    I will never take for granted what God has blessed with you. I see my purpose in life through your eyes. I hear my future beckoning me when you laugh. I feel the concern of what lies ahead through your cries, I feel the excitement in your youth through the tight grasp of your hands.
    I hope I have done you all right, by teaching you to love and respect the women in your life. To never take for granted the power of estrogen. To console when needed, without being asked. To show emotion, if even the "guys at school" say it's not cool. To be independent and strong willed and expressive when it feels like you should be. To count your blessings, because you never know when they stop coming. To lift your head up high when someone pushes it down. I hope that you will see the hero and icon in yourselves, the way I do when I look at you.
    I love you all and this Mother's Day, I celebrate YOU ALL.

Love the woman who will always love you, when some have failed you.

Mommy

Lost In the Presence of my Boys

Not much going on here at the Bernat House, just spending every waking (and sometimes middle of the night) moment with my boys.

Having a better attitude and embracing this role of mom with a slight edge of immaturity and pure innocent fun, has been life altering. Not taking my role as mom as seriously as I used to, but rather getting "down and dirty" with the boys has not only made our experiences and moments more memorable but has done me a great world of wonder and surprisingly relaxation.

  Yesterday afternoon, I let the boys run free in our backyard and have at it with the garden hose.  I know they probably shouldn't be drinking from the hose, but I'm sure they'll be fine.

I remember when I was younger how much fun we used to have with just what we had around the house. We didn't need the newest, most fanciest, new gadgets to expore our imaginations. 

Simply being kids was all that we needed. Without mom or dad constantly hovering over us with an umbrella or a handful of sunblock or cleaning up behind us.

I wanted the boys to experience this. So I let their friend come over and they played for hours, until the sun "went to sleep" and the warm breeze stood still. They all came in exhausted, hungry, and TAN! One of the great things of being half Filipino, is the ability not to BURN right away and just get that slight glowing tan :D

Fridays are normally family movie night, but because they were so exhausted from the outdoor fun that they all knocked out pretty early. So I ended up staying up late at watching Grey's Anatomy (which by the way was GREAT!!!).  I did absolutely NOTHING yesterday (other than laundry) and it felt great! Sometimes moms just need to give themselves permission to have a mental health day.  I think Fridays will be mine :D

I just realized that Summer Vacation is fast approaching and I will have to say good bye to Brandon as he flies over to Toronto, CA to spend time with his dad. I hate that I always have to send him over to be with his dad on vacations that I feel he should be spending with his brothers. He's only with us during the school year and it's weekends, and it's so hard to spend holidays together as a "family" when one of our members has another family of his own. It saddens me, but I know that this is something I have to do for his benefit. I just hope there will be one summer where he can stay with us completely and enjoy our family camping trips and summer fun.

This will be Daniel's last summer before he ventures off to Kindergarten (and basically his entire academic career). So we are determined to make this summer as memorable and eventful for him as well.  I have so much planned for the summer and so much excitement for him. BUT, selfishly I'm sad that I will now have two boys in elementary school. I'M NOT READY - would be an understatement :D HA!

The upside is that with the two boys in school, it will give me an opportunity to be with Matthew completely during the day and the ability to do toddler things with him, without worrying about boring a prechooler.  Which basically means that I can start doing this that I won't be running a museum chasing two boys with two totally different ideas of "fun."

So until they all leave me behind to worry and ponder about their futures, I'll be lost in their presence. I'll embrace their every shortcomings which would normally frustrate me. I'll enjoy every spontaneous hug, kiss, plea... I will ENJOY!

On the friend front, I got to  spend some MUCH needed girl time with my Best Friend Kristin. I drove over to her house on Thursday night, with every intention of watching our all time favorite girly night movie, The Sweetest Thing:

  But ended up staying up and talking.  It's times like this that I so miss living in the valley and miss having girlfriends that I can trust and depend on.

Granted every friendship has their low moments, but it can NEVER replace all the great moments we had together.

We were desperately trying to find the video we took on our road trip to San Francisco, but we're not sure where it is exactly.  But gosh! did that strike up a trip down memory lane. By far! The best road trip I've ever had with a girlfriend. 

Thank you Kristin for having me over so last minute. I've missed you more than you'll ever know, but am so proud that we have truly conquered the trials and tribulations of years passed. I can't wait for the next time we meet up and eat sushi or watch movies or hang out and talk!

Procrastination

I had a bit of the flu this past weekend, so I've been catching up with the unreal reality of the aftermath of what was left undone while I was sick. I haven't had such a bad illness like that in about 2 years. I was constantly curled in fetal position, begging my husband for relief, visiting the "porcelain goddess of relief" every hour, and just plain ole' miserable.

Thankfully though, during the weekend, my husband rallied the troops and were able to clean the entire house (minus the master bedroom where I laid in what I thought was my death bed).  He took the day off from work, delegating the demanding responsibilities to a trusting worker, and stayed home with the kids. I'm so thankful that he did this because I'm sure one of the boys would have caught whatever it was that I had and the roles would be reverse as we speak.

I feel like I'm on one of those hamster wheels and am just spinning in place. I honestly didn't know how I was going to get everything done, knowing I would be back where I started the next day. So I had reprioritize and get organized this week.  I feel like I'm almost where I want to be. ALMOST.

I have to admit though, that I'm overwhelmed by the stacks of laundry, dishes, cleaning, and other housewife duties that lurk around the corner. But I decided that the first and foremost important thing, over all things, are my husband and children. Spending quality time with them, takes precedence over everything else. Everything else will have to wait.

I started thinking of my childhood memories. With both parents working, it was very rare that I had any of those moments with my parents. I remember doing whatever I could to get noticed. Whether it be winning the spelling bee, having a "huge" problem, being sick, whatever... so long as one of my parents were there to console me. I think that I brought this along with me to adulthood and how I handle my relationships with people. I'm constantly "needing" someone there to see what I'm doing, even if it's nothing. Just to be validated. It's a sick obsession and though I try to just drop it, it's a very hard habit to break. So, I want my boys to grow up being confident in what they do and to know that if not both Jerry and I, at least I will be there for everything... small or big.

So yes, I'm procrastinating. I've dropped a lot of things that I would love to finish right now, just to be with them and make sure that they know I'm here. I'm trying to make these childhood memories last a lifetime and to be filled with almost complete happiness and recognition, rather than stress that mommy just didn't have time because she was busy doing something else. I've spent a lifetime on me, now it's my turn to spend a lifetime on them.

Strangers, Friends, Family... We are all in need of a little love and compassion

I can be a complete stranger walking down a hallway, someone you see on a daily basis. I may seem like someone who doesn't give a damn, or is too concerned with my own life to bother noticing you. I can even seem a bit annoyed or irritated, or perhaps preoccupied and selfish. But the truth is you don't know, you just assume to comfort your own thoughts as to why I never looked up.

Maybe I bow my head because I am sad, or I'm thinking of how to smile at a world that can sometimes be so cruel. Maybe, I'm praying. Praying for answers, praying for good news, praying for guidance, or just praying for everything to remain the same.

Each day I read my blog roll and most of them are pretty sad. My husband, siblings, parents, and friends ask why I read these blogs especially because I let it affect me so much. They know that I can fall into a depressive state and they know it will take me a while to get out of it. I simply tell that because this is what I think HE wants me to do. To pray, comment, email, twitter, message for a family ... for a child that I do not know of personally. 

Look, I've begged for friendships with people I thought were my friends, I've begged for acceptance from family who will probably smile at me but never truly forgive me for my behavior in the past, I have begged for understanding from people I asked to simply listen. i have begged. I HAVE BEGGED! And I wonder, why have I begged? This is who I am, this is who you will HAVE to understand in order to accept me. 

I have read these family blogs of small children who are suffering, who need the world to understand and to be compassionate to their story and not just shrug it off as if it were just another statistic. These are families sharing a story about their lives, who should not and whom do not BEG, because there is no reason to. I, along with thousands of others, are willfully and genuinely loving and praying on them and their babies as if they were our own.

It's what the world lacks of, compassion and understanding. Everyone turns the other cheek and just says, "hey, not my problem!" What kind of world do we live in? Where we cannot depend on a neighbor or friend to just be there with unconditional love and genuine concern?  Its an awful world where we just point and stare and not do anything to help.

Tonight, I read a new blog... it is about a 5 month old boy, Baby Noah who while in the care of a day care facilitator was shaken so severely that he went into seizures. As of right now, it is suspected that due to his injuries he may be blind and now there is bleeding in his brain. As a mother of three boys, I am outraged! I am sick to my stomach that anyone can do this to a small innocent child and rip away his future in just a few minutes of anger. But as I read the story of what happened to him, I was shocked at the end of the biography to read, "please leave comments positive." WOW! A profound statement... through this obvious outraged issue of shaking a child, his parents asks us readers to remain focus on the optimism that their child will survive this story. I drew so much understanding and forgiveness just from those 4 words.

We waste too much time, pacing and walking around, angry and bitter. We lack the ability to embrace ALL THE BLESSINGS we have because we're so overwhelmed of the things that we are not in control of. We waste the love, the attention, the compassion, and the concern on people who will never accept what you are willing to give without prompt, instead we should GIVE all of that to people who matter, who appreciate these things, and draw strength from it. What are we waiting for? Initiative?

So I wonder, are you one to wait for a helping hand or are you one to extend the helping hand? 

Hectic, would be an understatement

Yikes! Has it really been 4 days since my last post. Sorry :(

Well, Monday Matthew had his speech therapy with Brenda. I can't express how incredibly happy we are to have such a great support system working with Matthew, ensuring that he is on top of his developmental milestones.

He had a great therapy session, and is on target with almost all of his communications skills. The only thing that we are worried about is his inability to express what he wants when he becomes frustrated or impatient. Which personally, I think is pretty normal for any child at his age.. But if helping him communicate with us better will relieve some of the stress he gets (an imposes on us) we'll do everything we can help him.

Brandon started his STAR testing this week, so it's been a little chaotic at home trying to make sure that he's reviewed all that he can and gets to school well fed, well rested, and focused.

On Tuesday, Matthew had a bad fall in our backyard while playing with his brothers. He was playing on a chair and lost his grip and fell down onto his hands then on his forehead. I was so terrified about picking him up - especially, after the scare we had last week. I picked him up expecting a bulge protruding from his head, but instead I found a surface wound of scrapes. Jerry came running down the stairs after hearing the painful cries of Matthew and the hysteric screams that escaped my mouth. He asked how bad it was and at first I wasn't sure. I said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's really bad." The terror on his face was a true reflection of how I felt inside as I cradled Matthew in my arms.  Thankfully, it wasn't too bad and somehow I know that most of his tears were really the anxiety he sponged up from me.

Wednesday, Brandon and Matthew had a doctor's appointment for their annual physicals and because we switched insurance companies, we had to catch up on immunization shots. Brandon was so far behind that they said they would just wait till he was 11 or 12 for his booster shots, but he did have to get lab work done consisting of a urine sample and blood drawn. The urine sample was easy to get, I had all three boys with me that day, so I had to corral all three of them in the bathroom while Brandon pee'd in a cup that I held in front of him, it started to overflow and as I asked him to hold on a minute he freaked and pee'd all over my hand... GROSS! When it came to blood being drawn, I tried to prepare him and let him know that it would pinch just a little. He seemed fine until he saw the actual needle, which then lead to meltdown that required 3 nurses to hold him down while he screamed, "I'M NOT READY," repeatedly. My heart ached seeing him completely hysterical.

Matthew had to get 4 immunization shots and blood drawn. As he coo'd and smiled at the nurse, completely unaware of what was about to happen, I held his hand as the nurse did the first shot. Matthew was in shock, but then another came and all madness broke loose. I held his arm down as he tried to grab the nurse's hand and I asked the nurse to hurry. By the time it was all over, Matthew was red with madness and soaked in tears.  About 20 minutes later, the nurse came back only to draw blood. Once again, I had to lay him down but this time he knew that there was something coming. It took about 5 minutes to draw blood and when it was all over I picked him up and cradled him. The only concern the doctor had was that he was in the lower 3 percentile for weight, he advised us to give him healthy high in fat foods such as yogurt, milk, and cheese. Daniel looked at the doctor and said, "you mean like Junk food??"

Today, it was Daniel's turn, but I had Jerry take him because I couldn't bare to see Daniel cry while having the two other boys there too.  So 30 minutes after Jerry and Daniel left, I text him to make sure that they were both okay. Jerry text me back and said that Daniel had 5 shots and didn't cry or scream. Jerry always gets the easy ones! HA! Anyhow, I was so proud of him, when he got home he sported his arms full of bandaids, haha!

So that was basically what happened this week. Now, I'm stuffed with all you can eat sushi and my eyes are falling heavy. Till next time :D   

Counting My Blessings

It's well past midnight in the Bernat household. Jerry just got home from work, the children are snuggled into their beds, and my attempts to sleep early fail. They fail because I laid in bed with a heavy heart. Especially for the Freeman Family, my thoughts paced around my head, my heart pounded extra hard, and many times I found it hard to catch my breath.

How can God take a tiny life like Kayleigh's so soon? Why are the parents having to go through this terrible emotional roller coaster? Why?

Admittedly, there were times I became angry with God. Other times, I begged for mercy - a frail bargain or negotiation - to quickly heal sweet Kayleigh. I've never met Kayleigh or her family but somehow along this cyber journey through the blog world, I grew attached to her story along with the many other stories I became familiar with (Seth, Bentley,  Stellan,  Jonah to name a few). Each "story" touched my heart, changed my assumptions in my role as a mother, changed my faith in God, given me strength as a person, opened my heart to possibilities, taught me to love my children in a way that I thought wasn't possible. But these stories, as I have read through the past months are not just "stories," they are lives. REAL lives that sadly sometimes do not have a happy ending.

So I ask myself each night before I lay my head on my pillow, Did I do anything worth remembering ten years from now? And most nights, I'm exhausted by the physical demands of being a wife and mother that I can't seem to remember anything that is worth mentioning, let alone remembering. I could only recount the moments that infuriated me, or made me disappointed.

Have I been living my entire life remembering only the bad????

I have wasted days, weeks, months, and years ONLY remembering what went wrong with my day and forgotten to remember what made me laugh.

Do you know how many times I laugh a day??? Probably hundreds of times... But yet, I cannot seem to remember them. Why is that?

Have I become so incapacitated with all the worries, frustrations, and sometimes depression that I cannot even fathom bringing myself to remember smiling? I can go into a thousand details as to why this might be, but I don't think it would be of interest to most.

All I know is that each day is a blessing, it's a gift. And we don't know when that gift may be exchanged or returned, we just know that, when we have this gift, we should play with it,  love it, and laugh with it. I was blessed with each child to carry, to hold, to give life, to love, and to guide. A huge responsibility for a mother, but never a chore. Yet, I find myself overwhelmed some days and wonder if I put that anxiety on myself?

Tonight, I feel extremely guilty that I have not taken advantage of this beautiful gift called Life. I haven't praised Him for the wonderful gift he has given me in means not only in terms of just MY life, but the life I was blessed to give to each of my three boys.  Loving them and being held accountable for their happiness and well being has been trying at times, but for as long as I am allowed to have them in my arms, I'll savor them and take mental pictures of these joyous moments... because you just NEVER know.

I pray tonight, that Kayleigh will be the miracle that I witness, that she remains an angel here on earth before she goes to heaven later in life, but I just don't think it's time for her to leave just yet...at least I hope not yet.

I also pray that I continue to gain the wisdom to never AGAIN take for granted the sweet blessing of being a mother. Life's too short to bask in my own darkness, afterall ... we mothers, are the lights at the end of our childrens' dark tunnels.

Matthew's CT Update

The long awaited results of Matthew's CT Scan came (of course, after many nagging phone calls to the doctor's office by yours truly) by early afternoon today. 

Dr. W finally returned my call after reviewing Matthew's CT Scan. I have to admit before her call, the only thing I could think of was, this can only be bad news if they've received the scan earlier today and have NOT called me back yet. Are they trying to decide how to tell me that my baby is sick???

So, you can imagine the relief that I had when when Dr. W called and told me the following.

Matthew's CT Scan did NOT show any evidence of any masses or lesions in either his brain or skull bones. It did however show that there was an abnormality with the asymmetry of his skull. This probably was caused by his fetal position while in utero, which could be linked to his Microtia/Atresia.  Dr. W told us that we have nothing to worry about unless the abnormality continues to grow, which in that case we would have to come in and see a specialist to correct it, so that his skull and brain can grow normally. This is highly unlikely and will be something that will be part of Matthew's "normalcy" and for that he is "extra special" even with his "little ear."
Because the CT scan was done and because we never had one done when he was in the NICU the first 5 days of his life. I was also concerned about the internal structure of his "little ear." Dr. W. confirmed that Matthew indeed did not have the complete structure. He did have an ear canal but it was small and closed. The small bones of the ear were not all present and his ear drum did not seem to be present. However, she did mention that this CT Scan was NOT thorough because it didn't take it's images by "slice." I'm sure when the time is right we'll have another CT Scan specifically for his "little ear" and we'll have more information. But for now, it's safe to say that the only thing really working in his "little ear" is his "little auditory nerve." We'll take what we've been blessed with and teach him how to embrace his LUCKY EAR.

I am extremely happy that there are no masses or lesions. These past few days were the longest days of my life and it made me realize just how important my role as his mother is.  Often, I forget how to be a mother, because I'm engulfed by the responsibilities. I forget how to enjoy being a mother and embracing all the great triumphs and small obstacles I'm endured with. It's hard for me to accept that I'm doing an "okay" job in this motherhood thing.

When I had my first son, I was seriously thrown into a world that was completely opposite of what I had "dreamt" it to be.Partly because I was so young and another part was because I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.  I used to watch shows like Growing Pains, Leave it To Beaver, Silver Spoons and thought that those shows were the "norm" and the kind of life that I grew up with was soooooooo out of the ordinary. Now, I'm a mother of three, I stay home with them, I love being with them, and I sacrificed a lot of my personal goals to ensure that there childhoods would be as close to those sitcoms as possible. But I never EVER knew that motherhood would be this hard, so trying on me emotionally, so demanding of me physically, and so mentally draining. My "job" as mom never ends and I hope it never does end, because worrying about these boys each and every day, has been the GREATEST and most REWARDING job, role, and responsibility achieved.

And Through This Chaos, He Still Makes Me Smile

Well, I'm still waiting for the results of Matthew's CT Scan. And I know that they won't come until tomorrow, but I was hoping that the doctor's office would surprise me with an all clear phone call today. Ah! The wishful thinking of an overprotective mother. 

I haven't been feeling all too great today, Mother Nature sent Aunt Flo' a packin' big time today. Most of the day, I laid in bed cramping, clumping, screaming, crying, and rolling around in my bed in agonizing pain. It's very seldom I ever get a monthly episode this bad, but I'm sure with all the stress this month, it was bound to be this bad. 

Jerry gave me a book today, an early Mother's Day gift that he thought I would enjoy reading. I'm not a fan of Dr. Laura, especially after Jerry gave me two books titled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage as anniversary gifts a few months ago. From the titles, I decided to boycott it and yes, I did try to make an effort and read at least the introductions and the first 2 chapters, but finally decided that I could never agree with her thoughts from just those few pages. This book is titled In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms, I'm loving the title but yet to find out if the contents of the book are as appealing. You can be sure I'll probably have an entire post dedicated to this book in a few days.

I tried putting Matthew down to bed without his pacifier tonight, but he started to do this weird rocking motion while trying to fall asleep. I'm not sure if that's something that he just does to put himself to sleep or if I'm overly analyzing his behavior because of the uncertainty of the CT Scan results. Either way, it freaked me out so I gave him the pacifier and rocked my bundle of happiness to sweet slumber. Matt was a hoot today, he was so happy today doing random acts of cuteness like "loving" his bottle, kissing me for no reason, hugging me from behind, calling me down to his level just to hug me. I was in motherly bliss.

I have been a wreck these past few days, and so I've put my studying on minimal mode. I know I should be studying my butt off, but I can't seem to focus. I know that once I get the results I'll be fine. I'll have the answers that I really seek for instead of the answers that I wish for.

Daniel and Brandon have been great big brothers and super helpers with helping me stay sane and keeping little Matthew company. They've actually included him in so many activities that they normally wouldn't and for that I'm proud of them for.

While headed out to the backyard to play Star Wars, they halted before sliding the doors open.

"Daniel, go ahead use your super powers to make the Lizard go away."
"What?!?! My Jedi powers are AFRAID of lizards!"

Yesterday, a lizard slithered its way into our living room and for about 30 minutes I tried to scoot it out with a broom only to scoot it into our downstairs closet by the front door. I had to call Jerry to come down and help us and so he picked up every shoe in the closet by BBQ tongs, shook them vigorously, and tossed them in a pile until he found the very long and nasty lizard and pinched it out of the house. I still shake out of grossness from the thought of it!

But today, as I played with the kids outside, I noticed this.
A gofer has decided to dig up holes in our front yard! Grrrr... Our home was built in a culde sac of track homes in suburbia, right next to a Metrolink track in which a desert field separates us from the razor sounds of trains. The downside of living in next to this desert field is that we always have the critters come and visit us. In the last few years that we have lived here, we have had field mice, gofers, snakes, rabbits... and insects that I have never seen classified in my 5 years of biology.  Most times I'm grossed out by them and run into the heroing arms of husband, but this darn gofer problem is seriously getting on my nerves.

The 'Waiting Game'

Ah, the anticipation and anxiety trigger of today's CT Scan is O-V-E-R, now begins the 'waiting game" for the results which will be in on Friday...hopefully.

This morning was pretty hectic, I had to wake up pretty early to get Brandon's lunch and outfit ready for the day, because I had to attend a "volunteer appreciation" breakfast that the school had for all of us moms that devote our "free time" to our childrens' classes. I was only able to stay for about 25 minutes, because I had to rush home to get Brandon and the boys that carpool with us (no supervision before 8:15 a.m .) After I picked up the boys from school, Brandon came running over to the car with a beautiful peach rose and a green card, which had an awesome gift card for Starbucks. Thank you Ms. Leonard for being an awesome, caring teacher who is dedicated to educating our children despite the nasty State Budget Cuts occuring in California right now.

After dropping the boys off at school, I had to take my brother to the Metrolink, then drive back home and pick up Jerry, TTTTTTTTTTHEN headed off to our appointment.  Matthew was at the verge of falling asleep, but Daniel did everything he could to keep him up, whether it be showing him one of ten toys we brought a long, giving him a bottle or snacks, tickling him, making him laugh, whatever it was that HAD to be done to keep him awake, my awesome 5-year old did it! Such a great helper!

Once we were called in for the appointment, I had high hopes of putting Matthew down for a nap. But who was I kidding?  That huge CT Scanner and it's melodic buzzing sounds were far more exciting than anything a one year old can enjoy in an a one-hour nap.So after about 20 minutes of cradling and dancing around the scan room with Matthew swaddled up, I walked into the radiologists office and said, "So, what would happen if I don't get him to fall asleep?" and he replied..."Oh, really???"

(Yeah, really!!!!)

He walked us back into the scan room and started to lay out a white blanket, he directed me to lay Matthew down and started to swaddle him tightly. Surprisingly, Matthew smiled the entire time. I layed him along the tiny bed that was directing the huge donut hole of a scanner and watched the radiologist wrap the top of his head with the corners of the blanket (to make for a soft helmet), then watched him tape Matthews head to ensure stillness during the scanner, then watched him make a make shift mobile at the top of the scanner that would help Matt focus looking up straight.

Right before we started the scanning, he informed me that I had to stay with him (which really? where else would I be?). So I had to put that very heavy vest on to make sure I wasn't exposed to radiation. Before dressing in my spiffy, but not so attractive blue vest, he asked me if I were pregnant, in which I replied.

"If I am, my husband has already proclaimed that he would cut his man parts off himself! But NO! I don't think I am, unless you think I look like I am, in which case that would be another conversation."

He kindly laughed, made a few jokes, and we were on our way with processing the scanner.

When the scanner started, Matt was mesmerized by the spinning and the echos of the radiologists voice counting from 1-15 and graciously and gently praising Matthew with brief phrases of, "you're doing great Matt!" and "Just one more." Matthew did wonderfully during the whole process, a whole lot better than I was doing in the inside. Because honestly, I felt like sitting on that tiny bed and cradling him through the entire process, but I figured so long as he didn't see what I was feeling in the inside on the expressions of my face on the outside, we'd be fine.

When we were done, Matthew looked at me, with his tiny mummified-like body and started to turn red from trying to lift himself up with just his sonic abdominal muscles. When another radiologist walked in and waved at Matthew. Matthew squirmed one little hand out of his cocoon and waved with his fingers hi back.

The process went incredibly well, and now I'm running around nervously in a neighborhood in my mind that is very dangerous to walk alone. So I'm venting that I HATE the "waiting game." I really wish that the doctor's office would just Facebook, Twitter, Email, Text, or Call with the answers already. I mean, are they trying to kill me with anxiety attacks????