Definitions:
Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Perseverance: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement
Why is it that when we trust in someone or something we normally are let down beyond comprehension? That the battleground that you once fought together with, then becomes the aftermath of World War III, with nothing but flaming heart aches, broken bridges, and heavy fog that diminish what you sought for?
Why is it when one believes that you can trust another that information then becomes ammunition when arguments flair? Why is it that we can't be honest with the ones we trust? Are there rules to this game of trust?
Trusting a person isn't something that is easy. We go through a screening process, an interview, then the job offer. But even when given that job offer there are contingencies and rules that aren't clarified or brought forth, leading one or both parties into false pretenses that the relationship is true. What happens next is avoidance, misunderstandings, the death of the relationship because most people are afraid of confrontations. Fearing that one may not take the truth or the allegations so open mindedly and the backlash can do far too much harm than salvaging the relationship itself.
So what does someone do when victimized from the deafening silence from the other party that she once trusted?
Nothing...
That's right! You read that right NOTHING...
Who is at fault???
No One
Again! You read right NO ONE!
If you cannot be open and free to communicate with the person you've trusted, than really what is worth saving for either parties? Accountability MUST be present... you have to be able to say what it is that is bothering you AND apologize for what you've done wrong if the relationship is at all worth salvaging. NOT, keep quiet and wonder if that other person is supposed to read your mind and assume that that person will come graveling at your feet apologizing for upsetting you when perhaps that person does NOT know what it is that is bothering you. I mean really? Women aren't mind readers either....
I, took the do nothing approach when it came to trust... In many instances when gossip has been my demise and lack of finding the truth has been the death of almost all of my friendships and relationship, I have done nothing. Because I've done the whole "clean my name" deal - I find that even if I do explain myself and have even apologized for upsetting someone, sometime and somewhere down the road that relationship will fail... it will fail because people will believe the drama of it, not the simple answers of truth from a person that this person once trusted...
I'm pretty honest... sometimes brutally honest... and that has been the heavy load I carry on my back. A lot of people don't like me for who I am, because I don't beat around the bush. They take it as me being pushy or me being demanding. But one thing I've been accused of is being too needy - that my friends is far beyond what I am. If anything, I almost shy away from being helped, I don't like it, it's an attribute that is far from how I was brought up. I like to do things on my own and because of this mentality, I believe that if a person truly needs help she/he can help themselves first and then ask for help - if asking for help is the first thing that a person does it means they are too lazy to live. That's my perspective though.
So now, I'm left with this trust issue at hand. I trust no one. I'll take that back... I trust as many people as I can count on my 10 little fingers (yes, including the abnormally short pinkies that I have - another post for explanation).
This is part of my huge change in my life... I trust these 10 people with my life and with my family's life. Everyone else takes a back seat to this new awesome journey that I'm embarking on. Scorned by bad bruises of disappointment and scarred by broken promises and trust - I trust no one else.
Perseverance will be my motivator to achieve what I want to accomplish in the long run. I can honestly say, that if at the end all that I have in the world are the 10 people that I can count on my ten little fingers is all that I have - I can die a happy woman.
At the end, beyond all that one has put me through, a group has forced me into, a relationship that cheated me out of trust - I will persevere to be better than anything. I have gained my confidence back, I walk in a room knowing that I am the best that I can be and that no amount of anger, resentment, hate, gossip, rumor, denial, or pessimism will ever bring me back down to the level of hell that I have been going through this past 3 years. YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME! I will live the rest of my life, knowing that I beat you at your own game, I WILL prove you wrong!
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Personal Note:
So I guess you can assume I've gained my voice back... and my confidence. I guess you can say that in a way I'm still bitter and angry. HECK YEAH! But all this energy that I used to put on pointless people has now been redirected over to my family, completely recycled over to complete pure happiness and contentment.
Being more positive around my husband, children, and family has made me a better person.
Yesterday, we installed a closet organizer into Matthew's bedroom closet. With my siblings and mother temporarily moving in until things get more organized before the "big move to the islands," we've opted to somehow fit the wardrobe of 3 fashionably sensible young boys into one closet. The old layout wasn't working out and so we decided to just make it work. I went through 8 years worth of clothing and stuffed animals - and have filled up 6 trash bags ready for donation to our local good will.
We also reorganized the nursery and made room for a later addition of a twin bed for guests. I have pictures of it now, but not before. It was chaotic!
So this one little reorganization task has sparked a nesting bug and I'm determined to get the entire house done by the end of the summer but hopefully sooner. And I'm talking complete reorganization! Not just finding a new home for lost items, I mean tossing out the old and slimming down the unnecessary... I'm talking leaving space for happiness in our home.
The round-up
Matthew got two shots today during his doctor's appointment today. One for immunizations and the other a tb test. We have to go back on Friday to get it read. I had to wake him up early from his nap today to get him over to the doctor's office. When I woke him up, he was all smiles - one of the many perks that I have with this child is that he is always happy! EXCEPT, for when he gets his shots. When we got to the doctor's office he was all smiles, excited to be in a somewhat unfamiliar area. We waited about 15 minutes in the waiting room, looking at the fish in the tank, while he pointed at the fish convinced his name was "elmo." The nurse came out, with a big smile, and asked us to go to the examination room. Matthew smiled as I laid him down on the bed and I leaned over to kiss him and smile, to get his attention to me. Holding his arm down, the nurse administered the first shot, he wailed. My heart stopped. I look over at Jerry and his face was one comparable to a witness seeing an accident occur right before his eyes, scrunched up, mouth ajared, and pain in his eyes. The nurse administered the second shot and Matthew's cries turned into screams of pain. Jerry then runs over and pulls Matthew's pants up back to his waste and carries him.
"You have got to get your facial expressions under control ESPECIALLY when he's looking at you!" I said jokingly.
"But that was painful!" He replied while cradling Matthew in his arms.
"I think we all know that from your face." I said.
Daniel also got his shots. A TB test and an immunization shot as well. He came prepared to take one shot, but when he heard that there was 2 he began to worry. Jerry started to explain to him that it would only pinch for one second, calming him, and preparing him. It worked. Jerry is always so great at calming Daniel down and talking him through it. As Daniel sat at the foot of the bed, Jerry told him repeatedly that it would pinch for just a second... Daniel's face was full of determination. The first shot was administered and not one tear fell. The second shot was what he came prepared for, the "bubble shot" aka the TB Test. Again, Jerry comforted him and said, "just a pinch" and again Daniel's face was full of determination but this time his eyes started to well up. Before we knew it we were done. And both Jerry and I ran to Daniel's side and praised him for being such a brave and calm boy. We treated him to ice cream afterwards as a treat for taking the shots so well. We let him pick whatever his heart desired. And his heart desired a rainbow sherbert scoop in a chocolate and rainbow sprinkle covered sugar cone topped with M & M's. The ultimate ice cream for a 5 year old!
Brandon has been enjoying his last week of school. Today was Game Day and he was allowed to bring any game he wanted. He chose Pokemon of course after discussing with his friends the battle that they would have in class. Last night, he sorted through his hundreds and hundreds of pokemon cards, picking out the best of the best and placing them in a little ziploc bag. When he woke up this morning, he was beyond excited and ready to have Game Day at school. He came home this afternoon with a stuffy nose, so I gave him a little bit of medicine and now he lays in his bed unstuffed and asleep.
Jerry and I are still on cloud 9. I read an article today about marriage and parenting and if it was doable. I think that is is material for a great post later. But I have to admit, I read a lot of stuff that I was totally unaware of. It's funny how as mother's we are noted for our valiant efforts in keeping the family together, but as wives so many of us fail so much. Do we put parenting before marriage?
(((Hugs))) Sounds like alot going on...
I love reading your posts...I wish I could write as well as you!
Have a terrific day!
C.
Posted by: Christie | June 11, 2009 at 05:13 AM