Huge Changes Underway

I guess this is the setback of being alone a lot, having to come face to face with what must be changed in order to keep sane and happy. 

Is this one of many moments in life where one should just accept what is given to her and move on? To let go of the wheel and just let destiny happen? To quit forcing an outcome that I so want when most of the time it is what sometimes seems as an inevitable perpetual whirlwind of chaos? Does this make sense?

Lately, I've been forced into this little rabbit hole of complete darkness. So many expectations as a mother, sister, wife, and friend are bickering around me and I'm in complete mayhem. I love doing what I do for others, I honestly do... but sometimes I have to stop and think, Am I Doing Too Much?

A Change Is Needed

Because I don't feel like my life is going where it should. And when I say my life I don't mean my life with my children, husband, or relatives... I mean my life in other aspects. I know I have the potential to be something greater than what I am today. Right now, I feel like I'm in idle and I'm frustrated because I'm not quite sure what is keeping me there. Is it time for me to Ctrl+Alt+Dlt and just reboot with a more callous skin, a more selfish attitude, a more bitter taste in my mouth, a sense of righteousness, a better hold of who I am, and just All Man for Himself kind of outlook in life?

I have to be honest I've been down that road before, where all I did was think of myself - It didn't last too long, maybe a week or two, but it was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to put aside who I really was, because it wasn't acceptable.

Ever Had That I'm Gonna Be A Bitch Phase???

I had this attitude all through out highschool. I was always worried that I wouldn't be accepted because I changed schools so often.  In order to survive adolescent life, I had to go in a room and think to myself, I am the most perfect person in here... I have the most confidence. I had to be a bitch althroughout highschool because I was different. Not different like "ewe, she's a nerd." I was different because of rumors, because no one cared to hear the real story of who I am and how I ended up where I was.

So yes, I was a bitch in highschool - and strangely enough, this was my savior.

In college, I decided to approach my social life with a more trusting attitude.  Bad time to do this change, since it did nothing but get me used for whatever reason, finanicial, emotional, social status - you name it...

I carried the pushover attitude from college to present. And now, I'm just ready to carry on that BITCH attitude again - because I am tired.  I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of being dropped, I'm tired of being accused of something I didn't do, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm TIRED.... I'm tired of fighting for the truth.

That's My Choice - It's What People Refer To. But Am I Really?

So being a "bitch," is my first step to one of many huge changes going underway. It's not to say that I will be going out of my way to make one's life miserable. It just means that I'm not folding under the social stigma or the pressure to make a situation comfortable. It means that I'm living my life for me. And if you don't like what I'm doing, call it what you want, but it doesn't change the fact that I'll be doing what I do.

How Do I Feel About A Drastic Change To Obtain Sanity In A Chaotic Way?

I've been carrying this attitude for a couple of months now. Just thinking about me, just thinking about my kids, my future, my husband, my life.... and I have to admit. It's the best I've felt in a very long time.

This will probably bite me back pretty hard sooner or later... but again, those who disagree will have to live knowing that I'm not graveling at your feet for forgiveness anymore. I have but one judge and He knows the truth. The rest will have to live with their own demons and guilt and make sense of it themselves.

Homefront

My life is perfect!

Matthew is growing and learning each and every day. He's learned to say "see ya!" when he see's you leaving... he's learned a few words to a song, "Oh baby YOUUUUU!!!" and he's even learned to answer my cell phone when collectors call, "No Money." Who needs an intense social life when you've got a baby before you entertaining you to the bones???

Daniel and his friend Jamilah (Cynthia's daughter) had a sleepover last night.  Those two have gotten quite chummy and honestly I couldn't be more happy to see my son socializing with such an awesome, well mannered and well behaved little girl. Sometimes they don't know that I can hear them on the baby monitor or they don't know that I'm in the other room eve's dropping on their conversations. But I often hear Daniel explaining things to Jamilah or just talking about life... Imagine that! A couple of preschoolers pondering over life.... talking about the weather or what they ate last night and what was best about it.

Brandon has stepped up to the plate and his taking a more responsible and productive role with his brothers and with house chores. In fact, tonight he came up to me while I was sorting through the laundry and insisted that I teach him what to do. Normally, I'm overwhelmed with the housework but seeing that my eldest son take part in it is rewarding enough to truck through the loads of laundry and housework that surround me throughout the week.

Mommy Lesson

So as previously posted, being alone has given me a lot of time to think.

I realized that I'm a very angry and bitter person and sadly this reflects onto my children because I'm constantly yelling - living in a house full of boys, I often find myself yelling over them to get my point across. 

So I tried a new tactic - speaking softly - holy cow! it works! It's more frightening to hear me calmly say something than it is to scream as loud as I can. 

I realized that my frustrations regarding my social life and the pattern in which my life is going should not be a daunting and sometimes scary encounter with my children. I never hit my children, I never verbally abuse them, but I do scare them (and sometimes myself) with my sometimes moody (with tears) pleas to stop misbehaving or pathetic cry for help around the house.

My voice was discovered when I gave birth to my first son and it pretty much carried over into my other two children. But this change has to include a calmer more mellow me.

I'm hoping that I can progress with the decrease of yelling but being a mother of three boys and wife to a very loud husband can be some times trying on me.

Lord, give me the strength to see past my own personal problems and embrace the love that my sons have for me, embrace me hard and long enough to feel that love again when I have lost sight of what my main purpose is.

I definitely don't want my boys to grow up to be yellers.

Comments

[cynthia newbern]

You are a sweet wonderful mother friend and Im so blessed to know you and have ou in my life. I know life can be hard and its hard to let go of the wheel, but its good togive it to the Lord. he can take you to places where you nevr thought you could be at...let alone be accpeted. You need to let go of those ppl that only hurt you and dont challenge you as a person. Those that dont pray for your wonderful husband and kids. thoe that really care about what they will get out of the reationship then what they can give you. You do sooo much even for me! Thank you for being there. thank you for loving my girls and being a wonderful friend. The Lord blessed you with 3 wonderful boys and a wonderful husband. I love that you started to use a calming voice it helps! they will not be yellers they will be amazing men! keep on prying for wisdom and the Lord will give it to you!

[marsha]

have u decided on your career path? r u back in school? if u think you have the potential to be something greater in life (in addition to being a mom/wife), then do something about it. u know u can.