Simplicity Done With Grace

Hectic, would be an understatement

Yikes! Has it really been 4 days since my last post. Sorry :(

Well, Monday Matthew had his speech therapy with Brenda. I can't express how incredibly happy we are to have such a great support system working with Matthew, ensuring that he is on top of his developmental milestones.

He had a great therapy session, and is on target with almost all of his communications skills. The only thing that we are worried about is his inability to express what he wants when he becomes frustrated or impatient. Which personally, I think is pretty normal for any child at his age.. But if helping him communicate with us better will relieve some of the stress he gets (an imposes on us) we'll do everything we can help him.

Brandon started his STAR testing this week, so it's been a little chaotic at home trying to make sure that he's reviewed all that he can and gets to school well fed, well rested, and focused.

On Tuesday, Matthew had a bad fall in our backyard while playing with his brothers. He was playing on a chair and lost his grip and fell down onto his hands then on his forehead. I was so terrified about picking him up - especially, after the scare we had last week. I picked him up expecting a bulge protruding from his head, but instead I found a surface wound of scrapes. Jerry came running down the stairs after hearing the painful cries of Matthew and the hysteric screams that escaped my mouth. He asked how bad it was and at first I wasn't sure. I said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's really bad." The terror on his face was a true reflection of how I felt inside as I cradled Matthew in my arms.  Thankfully, it wasn't too bad and somehow I know that most of his tears were really the anxiety he sponged up from me.

Wednesday, Brandon and Matthew had a doctor's appointment for their annual physicals and because we switched insurance companies, we had to catch up on immunization shots. Brandon was so far behind that they said they would just wait till he was 11 or 12 for his booster shots, but he did have to get lab work done consisting of a urine sample and blood drawn. The urine sample was easy to get, I had all three boys with me that day, so I had to corral all three of them in the bathroom while Brandon pee'd in a cup that I held in front of him, it started to overflow and as I asked him to hold on a minute he freaked and pee'd all over my hand... GROSS! When it came to blood being drawn, I tried to prepare him and let him know that it would pinch just a little. He seemed fine until he saw the actual needle, which then lead to meltdown that required 3 nurses to hold him down while he screamed, "I'M NOT READY," repeatedly. My heart ached seeing him completely hysterical.

Matthew had to get 4 immunization shots and blood drawn. As he coo'd and smiled at the nurse, completely unaware of what was about to happen, I held his hand as the nurse did the first shot. Matthew was in shock, but then another came and all madness broke loose. I held his arm down as he tried to grab the nurse's hand and I asked the nurse to hurry. By the time it was all over, Matthew was red with madness and soaked in tears.  About 20 minutes later, the nurse came back only to draw blood. Once again, I had to lay him down but this time he knew that there was something coming. It took about 5 minutes to draw blood and when it was all over I picked him up and cradled him. The only concern the doctor had was that he was in the lower 3 percentile for weight, he advised us to give him healthy high in fat foods such as yogurt, milk, and cheese. Daniel looked at the doctor and said, "you mean like Junk food??"

Today, it was Daniel's turn, but I had Jerry take him because I couldn't bare to see Daniel cry while having the two other boys there too.  So 30 minutes after Jerry and Daniel left, I text him to make sure that they were both okay. Jerry text me back and said that Daniel had 5 shots and didn't cry or scream. Jerry always gets the easy ones! HA! Anyhow, I was so proud of him, when he got home he sported his arms full of bandaids, haha!

So that was basically what happened this week. Now, I'm stuffed with all you can eat sushi and my eyes are falling heavy. Till next time :D   

Counting My Blessings

It's well past midnight in the Bernat household. Jerry just got home from work, the children are snuggled into their beds, and my attempts to sleep early fail. They fail because I laid in bed with a heavy heart. Especially for the Freeman Family, my thoughts paced around my head, my heart pounded extra hard, and many times I found it hard to catch my breath.

How can God take a tiny life like Kayleigh's so soon? Why are the parents having to go through this terrible emotional roller coaster? Why?

Admittedly, there were times I became angry with God. Other times, I begged for mercy - a frail bargain or negotiation - to quickly heal sweet Kayleigh. I've never met Kayleigh or her family but somehow along this cyber journey through the blog world, I grew attached to her story along with the many other stories I became familiar with (Seth, Bentley,  Stellan,  Jonah to name a few). Each "story" touched my heart, changed my assumptions in my role as a mother, changed my faith in God, given me strength as a person, opened my heart to possibilities, taught me to love my children in a way that I thought wasn't possible. But these stories, as I have read through the past months are not just "stories," they are lives. REAL lives that sadly sometimes do not have a happy ending.

So I ask myself each night before I lay my head on my pillow, Did I do anything worth remembering ten years from now? And most nights, I'm exhausted by the physical demands of being a wife and mother that I can't seem to remember anything that is worth mentioning, let alone remembering. I could only recount the moments that infuriated me, or made me disappointed.

Have I been living my entire life remembering only the bad????

I have wasted days, weeks, months, and years ONLY remembering what went wrong with my day and forgotten to remember what made me laugh.

Do you know how many times I laugh a day??? Probably hundreds of times... But yet, I cannot seem to remember them. Why is that?

Have I become so incapacitated with all the worries, frustrations, and sometimes depression that I cannot even fathom bringing myself to remember smiling? I can go into a thousand details as to why this might be, but I don't think it would be of interest to most.

All I know is that each day is a blessing, it's a gift. And we don't know when that gift may be exchanged or returned, we just know that, when we have this gift, we should play with it,  love it, and laugh with it. I was blessed with each child to carry, to hold, to give life, to love, and to guide. A huge responsibility for a mother, but never a chore. Yet, I find myself overwhelmed some days and wonder if I put that anxiety on myself?

Tonight, I feel extremely guilty that I have not taken advantage of this beautiful gift called Life. I haven't praised Him for the wonderful gift he has given me in means not only in terms of just MY life, but the life I was blessed to give to each of my three boys.  Loving them and being held accountable for their happiness and well being has been trying at times, but for as long as I am allowed to have them in my arms, I'll savor them and take mental pictures of these joyous moments... because you just NEVER know.

I pray tonight, that Kayleigh will be the miracle that I witness, that she remains an angel here on earth before she goes to heaven later in life, but I just don't think it's time for her to leave just yet...at least I hope not yet.

I also pray that I continue to gain the wisdom to never AGAIN take for granted the sweet blessing of being a mother. Life's too short to bask in my own darkness, afterall ... we mothers, are the lights at the end of our childrens' dark tunnels.

Matthew's CT Update

The long awaited results of Matthew's CT Scan came (of course, after many nagging phone calls to the doctor's office by yours truly) by early afternoon today. 

Dr. W finally returned my call after reviewing Matthew's CT Scan. I have to admit before her call, the only thing I could think of was, this can only be bad news if they've received the scan earlier today and have NOT called me back yet. Are they trying to decide how to tell me that my baby is sick???

So, you can imagine the relief that I had when when Dr. W called and told me the following.

Matthew's CT Scan did NOT show any evidence of any masses or lesions in either his brain or skull bones. It did however show that there was an abnormality with the asymmetry of his skull. This probably was caused by his fetal position while in utero, which could be linked to his Microtia/Atresia.  Dr. W told us that we have nothing to worry about unless the abnormality continues to grow, which in that case we would have to come in and see a specialist to correct it, so that his skull and brain can grow normally. This is highly unlikely and will be something that will be part of Matthew's "normalcy" and for that he is "extra special" even with his "little ear."
Because the CT scan was done and because we never had one done when he was in the NICU the first 5 days of his life. I was also concerned about the internal structure of his "little ear." Dr. W. confirmed that Matthew indeed did not have the complete structure. He did have an ear canal but it was small and closed. The small bones of the ear were not all present and his ear drum did not seem to be present. However, she did mention that this CT Scan was NOT thorough because it didn't take it's images by "slice." I'm sure when the time is right we'll have another CT Scan specifically for his "little ear" and we'll have more information. But for now, it's safe to say that the only thing really working in his "little ear" is his "little auditory nerve." We'll take what we've been blessed with and teach him how to embrace his LUCKY EAR.

I am extremely happy that there are no masses or lesions. These past few days were the longest days of my life and it made me realize just how important my role as his mother is.  Often, I forget how to be a mother, because I'm engulfed by the responsibilities. I forget how to enjoy being a mother and embracing all the great triumphs and small obstacles I'm endured with. It's hard for me to accept that I'm doing an "okay" job in this motherhood thing.

When I had my first son, I was seriously thrown into a world that was completely opposite of what I had "dreamt" it to be.Partly because I was so young and another part was because I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.  I used to watch shows like Growing Pains, Leave it To Beaver, Silver Spoons and thought that those shows were the "norm" and the kind of life that I grew up with was soooooooo out of the ordinary. Now, I'm a mother of three, I stay home with them, I love being with them, and I sacrificed a lot of my personal goals to ensure that there childhoods would be as close to those sitcoms as possible. But I never EVER knew that motherhood would be this hard, so trying on me emotionally, so demanding of me physically, and so mentally draining. My "job" as mom never ends and I hope it never does end, because worrying about these boys each and every day, has been the GREATEST and most REWARDING job, role, and responsibility achieved.

And Through This Chaos, He Still Makes Me Smile

Well, I'm still waiting for the results of Matthew's CT Scan. And I know that they won't come until tomorrow, but I was hoping that the doctor's office would surprise me with an all clear phone call today. Ah! The wishful thinking of an overprotective mother. 

I haven't been feeling all too great today, Mother Nature sent Aunt Flo' a packin' big time today. Most of the day, I laid in bed cramping, clumping, screaming, crying, and rolling around in my bed in agonizing pain. It's very seldom I ever get a monthly episode this bad, but I'm sure with all the stress this month, it was bound to be this bad. 

Jerry gave me a book today, an early Mother's Day gift that he thought I would enjoy reading. I'm not a fan of Dr. Laura, especially after Jerry gave me two books titled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage as anniversary gifts a few months ago. From the titles, I decided to boycott it and yes, I did try to make an effort and read at least the introductions and the first 2 chapters, but finally decided that I could never agree with her thoughts from just those few pages. This book is titled In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms, I'm loving the title but yet to find out if the contents of the book are as appealing. You can be sure I'll probably have an entire post dedicated to this book in a few days.

I tried putting Matthew down to bed without his pacifier tonight, but he started to do this weird rocking motion while trying to fall asleep. I'm not sure if that's something that he just does to put himself to sleep or if I'm overly analyzing his behavior because of the uncertainty of the CT Scan results. Either way, it freaked me out so I gave him the pacifier and rocked my bundle of happiness to sweet slumber. Matt was a hoot today, he was so happy today doing random acts of cuteness like "loving" his bottle, kissing me for no reason, hugging me from behind, calling me down to his level just to hug me. I was in motherly bliss.

I have been a wreck these past few days, and so I've put my studying on minimal mode. I know I should be studying my butt off, but I can't seem to focus. I know that once I get the results I'll be fine. I'll have the answers that I really seek for instead of the answers that I wish for.

Daniel and Brandon have been great big brothers and super helpers with helping me stay sane and keeping little Matthew company. They've actually included him in so many activities that they normally wouldn't and for that I'm proud of them for.

While headed out to the backyard to play Star Wars, they halted before sliding the doors open.

"Daniel, go ahead use your super powers to make the Lizard go away."
"What?!?! My Jedi powers are AFRAID of lizards!"

Yesterday, a lizard slithered its way into our living room and for about 30 minutes I tried to scoot it out with a broom only to scoot it into our downstairs closet by the front door. I had to call Jerry to come down and help us and so he picked up every shoe in the closet by BBQ tongs, shook them vigorously, and tossed them in a pile until he found the very long and nasty lizard and pinched it out of the house. I still shake out of grossness from the thought of it!

But today, as I played with the kids outside, I noticed this.
A gofer has decided to dig up holes in our front yard! Grrrr... Our home was built in a culde sac of track homes in suburbia, right next to a Metrolink track in which a desert field separates us from the razor sounds of trains. The downside of living in next to this desert field is that we always have the critters come and visit us. In the last few years that we have lived here, we have had field mice, gofers, snakes, rabbits... and insects that I have never seen classified in my 5 years of biology.  Most times I'm grossed out by them and run into the heroing arms of husband, but this darn gofer problem is seriously getting on my nerves.

The 'Waiting Game'

Ah, the anticipation and anxiety trigger of today's CT Scan is O-V-E-R, now begins the 'waiting game" for the results which will be in on Friday...hopefully.

This morning was pretty hectic, I had to wake up pretty early to get Brandon's lunch and outfit ready for the day, because I had to attend a "volunteer appreciation" breakfast that the school had for all of us moms that devote our "free time" to our childrens' classes. I was only able to stay for about 25 minutes, because I had to rush home to get Brandon and the boys that carpool with us (no supervision before 8:15 a.m .) After I picked up the boys from school, Brandon came running over to the car with a beautiful peach rose and a green card, which had an awesome gift card for Starbucks. Thank you Ms. Leonard for being an awesome, caring teacher who is dedicated to educating our children despite the nasty State Budget Cuts occuring in California right now.

After dropping the boys off at school, I had to take my brother to the Metrolink, then drive back home and pick up Jerry, TTTTTTTTTTHEN headed off to our appointment.  Matthew was at the verge of falling asleep, but Daniel did everything he could to keep him up, whether it be showing him one of ten toys we brought a long, giving him a bottle or snacks, tickling him, making him laugh, whatever it was that HAD to be done to keep him awake, my awesome 5-year old did it! Such a great helper!

Once we were called in for the appointment, I had high hopes of putting Matthew down for a nap. But who was I kidding?  That huge CT Scanner and it's melodic buzzing sounds were far more exciting than anything a one year old can enjoy in an a one-hour nap.So after about 20 minutes of cradling and dancing around the scan room with Matthew swaddled up, I walked into the radiologists office and said, "So, what would happen if I don't get him to fall asleep?" and he replied..."Oh, really???"

(Yeah, really!!!!)

He walked us back into the scan room and started to lay out a white blanket, he directed me to lay Matthew down and started to swaddle him tightly. Surprisingly, Matthew smiled the entire time. I layed him along the tiny bed that was directing the huge donut hole of a scanner and watched the radiologist wrap the top of his head with the corners of the blanket (to make for a soft helmet), then watched him tape Matthews head to ensure stillness during the scanner, then watched him make a make shift mobile at the top of the scanner that would help Matt focus looking up straight.

Right before we started the scanning, he informed me that I had to stay with him (which really? where else would I be?). So I had to put that very heavy vest on to make sure I wasn't exposed to radiation. Before dressing in my spiffy, but not so attractive blue vest, he asked me if I were pregnant, in which I replied.

"If I am, my husband has already proclaimed that he would cut his man parts off himself! But NO! I don't think I am, unless you think I look like I am, in which case that would be another conversation."

He kindly laughed, made a few jokes, and we were on our way with processing the scanner.

When the scanner started, Matt was mesmerized by the spinning and the echos of the radiologists voice counting from 1-15 and graciously and gently praising Matthew with brief phrases of, "you're doing great Matt!" and "Just one more." Matthew did wonderfully during the whole process, a whole lot better than I was doing in the inside. Because honestly, I felt like sitting on that tiny bed and cradling him through the entire process, but I figured so long as he didn't see what I was feeling in the inside on the expressions of my face on the outside, we'd be fine.

When we were done, Matthew looked at me, with his tiny mummified-like body and started to turn red from trying to lift himself up with just his sonic abdominal muscles. When another radiologist walked in and waved at Matthew. Matthew squirmed one little hand out of his cocoon and waved with his fingers hi back.

The process went incredibly well, and now I'm running around nervously in a neighborhood in my mind that is very dangerous to walk alone. So I'm venting that I HATE the "waiting game." I really wish that the doctor's office would just Facebook, Twitter, Email, Text, or Call with the answers already. I mean, are they trying to kill me with anxiety attacks????

CT Day

We're about to head out for Matt's CT Scan, please pray that there are no masses/lesions. 

Also please pray for Kayleigh and her family. Although there are times when we are uncertain as to what God has in store for us, we can be rest assured that he will not lead us into something we cannot handle.

Please pray for our uncertainties. Will update later for more. 

A little happy, a little freaked, but incredibly hopeful

Well before I start on my regular blogging post, I wanted to share with you Kayleigh's Urgent Prayer Request. I just read about her turn of events tonight and I'm torn to even smaller pieces emotionally. I'm incredibly hopeful that yet another miracle will happen and her sweet body will be saved, so she can spend many more years alongside her siblings and parents. If you have a moment, please pray for her and the Freeman family. Thanks.

I know it's been a couple of days since I've last blogged, but life's been pretty C-R-A-Z-Y. Sunday, we celebrated Daniel and Araw's Birthday here at the house with close family and friends with a relatively small gathering in comparison to prior birthday parties we've had celebrations past.
  We didn't want to do a HUGE party, but we didn't want the boys to miss out on celebrating this precious gift we call life.

Daniel officially turned 5 yesterday (Monday) and I am in complete awe in how fast time has flown by. Daniel has grown into an active, energetic, ham. He always says the best things at the perfect moment and has never made me feel irrelevant in his life. We jokingly call him my "third leg" because he may as well stitch himself on me and follow me where ever he can. I'm not exactly ready to let go of my preschooler and release him into the world of gradeschoolers, So you can bet that I'll be holding on to him a little tighter this summer.

On his actual birthday, we let him do whatever he pleased. When he woke up I asked him what he wanted to do today and the first thing that he came out was, "Anything? Hmm... I'll play video games on the big TV all day, thank you very much." And so he did (it's horrible I know, but giving a kid what he wants on his birthday - once a year - won't kill too many brain cells). He knocked out pretty early in the evening (about 7 p.m.) and he called it a night.

Celebrating his birthday the way we did was relaxing for us as parents, but memorable for any child. We had a HUGE 5 in 1 Transformers Bouncy), we had cake, food, favors, great friends and family, and TONS of fun.

Tonight, I'm sitting at my computer autotomically typing away and trying to keep myself busy and psychologically and emotionally balanced. We had to reschedule Matthew's CT Scan appointment on Monday morning to tomorrow morning, due to some authorizations that were never processed last Friday.  So tomorrow morning, we'll be taking a very long trip out to the Valley to find out if Matthew's slight malformation of the skull behind his little ear has any masses or lesions. I'm trying to keep optimistic, but I'm preparing for the worse. I hate surprises, especially when it comes to the well being of my children. I was reading through his paperwork (prescription for the CT Scan) and was reading the words over and over again, "prominence/ptrotuberance of L lower temporal and occipital parts of skull, which is new and growing. Please evaluate for mass/lesion." I couldn't help but think of how strong each of those words were and the potential of devastation each one held. I started to prepare myself for the worse, but hoping for the best. I found myself praying for strength to keep optimistic and to not let my emotions control my actions with my family.  I've caught myself on several occasions losing my "cool" because of the fear that has leveled up inside of me. I've caught myself lashing out in manic episodes of "nesting" and "nurturing," than doing a complete 360 and just laying flat on my couch, lost in my own thoughts.

I have no choice though really. I must stay optimistic. But Lord, please please let this be something on the lower spectrum of uncertainty and severity. Matthew has come a long way from where we were before and I know he has something more to offer to the world.

Dear God...

Dear God,

    I'm afraid tonight. I'm afraid of the uncertainty of tomorrow. I never thought that being a mother could ever give me so much strength and yet still give me so much weakness. Tomorrow morning, Matthew will have his CT scan and I'm afraid. I know that I cannot change the course that you have chosen for my sweet boy, but I pray that what ever path it is you have chosen us to take you will hold my hand and guide me through it all. I'm afraid, God. Please help me understand why Matthew was born with Microtia, please help me understand why the doctor thought that this slight bump on his head is needed, please help me understand the path. I'm afraid, God.
    I'm not really sure what I'm feeling tonight. I'm not sure if I should worry or if I should be relieved. I know that this scan will not only show whether or not Matthew is fine and will have no alarming reason to be afraid, but it will also show if he has an internal ear structure. But I'm still afraid. I want to cry, because I'm overwhelmed by not having any control over what will happen next. I want to feel relieved because I trust in you to do what is right. FEAR is all I have in my mind.
    I suppose all this FEAR is because I'm laying it all in your hands God. I'm entrusting all of me and all of my son's destiny in your hands.
    But if you could just please give me a little peace tonight to let me know that everything will be okay no matter what happens, I'd be eternally grateful.
    I trust you God... And I could sit here and bargain and vent, but I know that won't change much. So, for now I'll just believe. But I will pray and I will fall at your mercy to please watch over him tomorrow morning and to hold me and Matthew in your loving arms tonight, to protect us and love us and be with us every step of the way.

                                                       Love,
                                                        Matthew's Mommy

PS... I know I probably shouldn't be doing this. But if you know how much I love the little boy, please just give us the "good" results tomorrow, because I would love LOVE to hold him in my arms until the end of my time. Thank you :D

Early and Busy Saturday

EVENING UPDATE:

Matthew is finally back to normal, and boy! Have I missed his overexcited smiles, tender hugs, sloppy kisses, and constant energy. Earlier today, I let the boys play outside in the backyard with the hose (yes, I know.. but how nostalgic is that memory?) they all had so much fun and got pretty creative with the playhouse slide. They created a water slide with the hose water dripping down the slide and a little kiddie pool at the end... who needs Hurricane Harbor or Raging Waters when you've got the best engineering minds in the making right in the back yard?

I got pretty tired suddenly early in the evening. Very fatigue, fever running, body aching, almost like it's about to shut down on me to escape into lullaby land and I have absolutely no control over the switch.  So instead of cooking dinner - a healthy one - I opted for pizza, salad, and sandwiches delivered straight to my front door. Ya! You gotta love the American way!!! We had a family night and had dinner in the living room while watching The Nutty Professor II, which was my pick. Now, you have to understand the triumphant joy that I have over this victory, since about 98% of the time I lose the battle of movies every... EVERY... Family Movie Night. I always get stuck watching Man-TV, like Transformers, XMen, Spiderman, Superman, Star Wars, and other movies I would never watch more than one time. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy these action packed movies, but I'm a freakin' girl!!! A Girly-Girl infact.. a self proclaimed Chick Flick Guru, and for the last 4 years, I have been outvoted on almost all frail attempts to introduce my boys into the world of chick flicks, which can very well be the movie that there future wives may gush over... Think of the bonus points they'll get if they knew every line from The Wedding Date, My Best Friend's Wedding, Made of Honor, etc... HUGE!!! LOL!

It's getting pretty late and I have a big day tomorrow. I'm gonna try to sleep off what ever it is that's taking over my ability to think straight tonight. Have a good one everyone :D

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

My day started off at a wonderful 7:00 a.m. in the morning. I had my first "ongrounds meeting" for my Hybrid English course.

I have to say that although it was an early morning, I truly enjoyed being out alone and on campus. Normally, when I visit a place I've got at least 2 of my 3 children, visiting a location. But this morning it was all about me. As usual, we had to introduce ourselves to each other in class - and for the first time in about 8 years, I started off my introduction with information about me. My sentence did not start off as, "Hi, my name is Analiza and I have 3 beautiful boys," this time it started off as, "Hi, my name is Analiza, and I'm on a mission... a mission to finish school and get as far as I can." In a way, after realizing I had done this, I felt a little selfish and almost guilt ridden - but as I read the other day, guilt is a wasteful emotion. I was actually happen that for the first time in a long time, I've subconsciously put myself first. It was such a great feeling and I think because I'm internally motivated I just might be a little more inclined to finish up my undergraduate studies before the year is over.

After getting home, I was starved but had to put Matthew down for his nap. I enjoyed walking through my front door with the hubby holding Matthew in his arms waiting to greet me. I actually missed being home!!! There's something about leaving home to do something for yourself like going to school, getting a pedicure, or a spa treatment, then returning home. It made me feel refreshed and reminded me exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Tomorrow is Daniel and Araw's birthday party here at the house and I've yet to clean up the house and set up for tomorrow's festivities. It won't be this huge production but none the less meaningful. We've invited only close friends and family to the party tomorrow but provided lots of food and entertainment.

But first, I'm going to make myself lunch, watch a little Super Nanny, and take a nap. I'm sure I'll update more later if I have time after completing about over 300 pages worth of reading! Happy Saturday all!        

Incredibly Scared...

This morning, after almost 4 days of constant diarrhea, I took Matthew in to his pediatrician's office. After careful evaluation, she prescribed some probiotics to  help settle his stomach and get it back into routine.

Out of curiousity, I asked her about a protrusion on the left side of the back of his head near his microtia. Thinking that she would tell me it was just a normal growth. She examined it and said, "well. maybe let's get it checked out, just to be sure it isn't a mass/lesion." At that moment, my heart dropped to the floor and suddenly tears started to well up in my eyes, a mass or lesion? Couldn't she just tell me that it was just because of the way he was sleeping? In my heart, I knew that the forming of his head was a little off, but I blamed that mostly on the idea that his head looked a little off due an optical illusion with the missing ear.  But she didn't shrug it off, instead she ordered in a CT scan.

In a way, I'm hopeful that this will be nothing but a slight malformation of skull and in a huge way I'm afraid that it might be something far far worse. I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety. I almost want to throw up, my heart is racing fast, and I'm fighting the tears from my eyes to overflow my desk. I can't think straight and I want to smoke continuously, I'm having anxiety attacks and there is  nothing I can do about it.. but pray and hope that come scan-time it will all be just okay.

I made the appointment for Monday morning at 10:30 a.m. but we have to be there 15 minutes early to check in. I really don't want to sedate Matthew for the scan, so they suggested that I keep him up and not let him fall asleep for his morning nap, so once again, I must sleep deprive him. He will be swaddled and I'll try to make him take his nap before he starts his scan.

So many thoughts are going through my head. I'm fearing the worst but hoping for the best. My weekend is so jam packed and Daniel's birhday gathering is Sunday and his actual birthday is on Sunday. All I want to do is cry and lay in bed right now, but there's no time for that, it would be unfair for me to be this way for my children. I must stay optimistic, but deep inside I'm just a bundle of nerves. Please pray that there are no lesions/masses in his head, please pray that whatever it is that making his skull protrude like that is simply caused by his microtia, please pray that I get through this weekend without going insane. My worry tends to take the best of me, so I must stay hopeful.